Career & Fashion

Life With a Drama Queen

May 8, 2008 – 10:33 am

c2008, Vicki Hinze

Most normal, well adjusted women want peace and serenity in their lives.  They want to focus on the constructive, the positive and apply considerable effort to avoiding conflict and challenges.  They certainly don’t go out and instigate or deliberately provoke.  They’re too busy–and too wise–to waste precious time in their lives on these pursuits.  They’re too busy reaching for goals, working to make their dreams realitities.  Too busy caring for their families, doing what they do best.

And yet it seems every woman has had a run-in at some point in their lives with a drama queen.

What is a drama queen? A woman who thrives on drama.  So much so, it’s like a drug in her system.  And if no drama exists, she’ll create it.  Typically bright and resourceful, she can be very convincing, too.

In preparation for this article, I canvassed a group of women.  All had encountered a drama queen.  The lucky ones extricated themselves from her.  The unlucky ones were stuck but did what they could do to create distance and not feed the beast, so to speak. (It’s worth mentioning that some of the drama queens were actually drama kings, but for the sake of simplicity and because we focus on women and their interests here, we’ll stick with the queens.)

In research, I discovered no magic cures, no keys to locked doors to stop the drama.  The simple truth is the drama queen is a drama queen by her own choice, and only she can choose not to be one.  But for those who must live with or in the circle of one, there are a few helpful tips that others had to offer:

1.  Understand the queen. The drama queen typically suffers a low self-esteem.  She wants to be honored, appreciated and adored.  If she is, she doesn’t feel as much a need to create drama.  It’s when she feels vulnerable (whether or not that vulnerability actually exists) that she goes for the dramatic.

Too often, she’s bored.  And when bored, she thinks too much and those thoughts easily fall prey to the negative.  This too spurs drama, to shift the focus from her thoughts to the dramatic event which typically shows her in a superior light.

Often she portrays herself as a victim.  Others are taking advantage, judging unfairly, treating her harshly.  More often than not, it isn’t one person but all persons who are victimizing her:  her boss, her friends, her family, even her minister.  Disagree on something with the queen, and you’re apt to hear her shout abuse.

The queen sups on attention and in the absence of adoration, she’ll take anger or hatred or whatever she can get.  Bottom line:  she’s an attention junkie and only when getting it does she thrive.

She easily feels threatened.  One story related involved three women, all friends.  The queen imagined a sleight by the other two and turned vicious.  There was no sleight.  But the queen perceived one–as if they were ganging up on her–and got ugly.  Unfortunately, this is a story frequently repeated–whether the drama queen was a queen or a king.  And of the stories related, the queens were quicker to get cruel and malicious than the kings.  That surprised me.

Most people take the drama that comes with the queen for a time, then exorcise her, forming other friendships and bonds with people who aren’t so high-maintenance or draining.  The queen then moves on to her next friend or group and repeats her patterns, and then often is left wondering why people treat her as they do.  This brings me to my last point unearthed on the drama queen:

She never sees herself as others see her.  To her, what she is doing, the way she’s doing it,  the justification for doing it–even if it’s dead wrong–is totally logical, morally and ethically acceptable and even, in cases, noble.

Understanding the queen doesn’t insulate you from the fallout, but it does help you to develop coping skills and to keep your frustration levels (and blood pressure and stress levels) down.

2.  Dealing with the queen. As I mentioned above, once a drama queen has been identified and an attempt to reason with her utterly fails, most who can elect to stay away from her.  Sometimes this works, sometimes it generates other activities.  One woman relayed her story of life with a drama queen and then said that until she had gotten away from her, she hadn’t realized all the challenges the queen had created.  Finally, she had her life back.

It’s interesting to note that during the time of the challenges, she didn’t equate them to stealing her life.  Her time, yes, but not her life.  But they did, as she saw afterward.  Dealing with the fallout another creates does steal our lives.  Our focus and time.  And so it was only  afterward that this became apparent to the woman.  I find that interesting.

Some of the stories related required that the drama queen remain in that individual’s circle.  How the women dealt with their queens varied.  Some ignored, some called the queen down on every infraction hoping she’d stop if she knew she’d be called down.  Some kept a buffer between them them and the queen–a third person who helped keep the queen from creating too much havoc.

The most troublesome were those who stopped interacting with their circle because that was their only means of avoiding the queen.  Some quit great jobs.  Some left their churches.  Some left their organizations.  Some stopping attending family gatherings.

All had logical reasons for their reactions whatever they happened to be.  For some, their own decisions were easy to live with.  For others, the burden of living with them was heavy.

Regardless of where they fell on the living with a drama queen scale or how they chose to deal with the queen, on one thing they all agreed:

Living with a drama queen might be tough, but it’s still far easier than living as a drama queen.

Sometimes in life, we’re grateful for good where we find it…*

Diva Vicki

By DivaVicki | Also posted in Heart & Soul, Well-being & Fitness | Comments (0)

CYBERSTALKING

April 29, 2008 – 9:34 am

CYBERSTALKING

WHAT IT IS

WHAT IS DONE

ARE YOU A VICTIM?

WHAT YOU CAN DO

WHO CAN HELP

(FMI Visit: Cyberstalking )

At one time cyberstalkers–those who stalk someone via the Internet–was easy for a criminal to do and difficult for a victim to charge, prosecute and convict.

The advent of the Internet caused explosive changes in daily life and put lawmakers into a tailspin on what changes to make first. Immediate need became the byword of the day, and lawmaker’s actions followed suit.

But that time has passed, and today there are significant laws and legislation protecting victims–and more pending.

WHAT DO CYBERSTALKERS DO?

Many track or monitor a person. Groups and organizations, too, can become targets. A cyberstalker might make false accusations against the victim, might gather information and use it illegally (identity theft, solicitation, subscribing a victim to numerous spam lists, pornographic websites, or levy threats.) The purpose is typically to harass the victim and/or to damage his/her reputation.

Often the repeated behavior persists to the point that the stalker is directed (directly or through a third party, who may or may not be an authority) to cease and desist. Depending on the mental health of the stalker, and the depth of his/her obsession, the stalker either chooses to stop stalking or continues.

Of those who continue, many use an associate and/or friend, who might or might not be aware of the harassment and/or the warnings to the stalker to cease and desist and to leave the victim alone. In a real sense, they too become victims.

With cyberstalkers, the stalking isn’t normally a matter of any one action. In fact, singular actions might be legal ones. But the continuous pounding of action upon action upon action collectively completes a larger picture of the depth of a mental assault on the victim.

WHO IS A STALKER?

Some stalkers are strangers. Others know their victim.

Generally those who know their victim have no current relationship with the victim. Either they never did, or it ceased to exist some time ago, and the choice to sever well might have been the stalker’s decision.

Stalkers are notorious for making false accusations. For claiming they are the victim. For encouraging others to harass and/or make disparaging comments to or about the victim based on false information fed to them by the stalker.

Some take stalking even further, into attacks on data, infringing on copyrights, posting material in public forums under the victim’s name, claiming the victim’s identity. Even reprinting the victim’s material without express permission to do so. Some violate personal email by uploading it into a public forum without the author’s consent.

Still other stalkers cross over into deeper identity theft by placing orders in the victim’s name or participating in objectionable activities while impersonating the victim.

Understand that the cyberstalker is obsessed. What might have started as curiosity escalates to obsession.

WHAT IS THE CYBERSTALKER’S GOAL?

The stalker’s goal is to initiate contact where none exists.

I’m reminded of the child. To get attention, a child will attempt to gain attention through constructive means. But if that doesn’t work, the child will adopt destructive means. The end goal is attention. How it is obtained is insignificant to the stalker. A crucial difference worthy of note is that a cyberstalker might or might not be immature but s/he is not a child and his/her actions are far more destructive. (To the victim, but also to him/herself.)

CAN A CYBERSTALKER GET PHYSICAL?

Yes. It’s documented in the form of abusive phone calls, snail mail, packages left at residences by stalkers told to stay away (a mental home invasion). Reports have been made of vandalism, trespassing and even physical assault. Some say the deeper the stalker’s frustration at not being in control of the victim/situation or at having his/her attempts to contact thwarted, the greater the odds that frustration will escalate into more severe attacks.

IS THERE LEGAL RECOURSE?

Yes. Lawmakers have made strides to protect victims. Not surprisingly, California first put laws into effect in 1999. The State of Florida followed in placing a ban on cyberstalking in 2003. Many other states have followed. (So have many countries. Visit the notes section on the above link for more specifics.) That’s legislation on a state level. On a federal level, the lawmaker’s are still catching up, but they did address cyberstalking by incorporating it into stalking statues addressed in legislation passed in 2000.(1) So victims are not without protection.

DOES THE VICTIM ALWAYS KNOW S/HE IS A VICTIM OF CYBERSTALKING?

No. The victim well might not know s/he is being stalked. At least, not until the stalker’s obsession escalates. In some situations, however, the victim might know it from the start. Or s/he might know it but not identify the behavior as stalking until the stalker’s actions escalate to an obvious point.

Often, particularly in the case of sex offenders and/or those with malicious tendencies toward minors, the victim is not aware that they’re a victim until they are in significant danger from the stalker, which makes it imperative that parents and authority figures in minor’s lives educate them to the risks and warning signs. Armed with information and alerted to the warning signs, the kids then have a better chance to protect themselves and they know to alert parents and/or authority figures to potential dangers so that they might take steps to protect the children before they become victims.

WHAT IF YOU HAVE A PUBLIC PERSONAE?

If you have a public personae, it’s all the more important to be aware–or to get aware, and stay aware.

To get a complete listing of what you can do to protect yourself and your interests, visit your state’s website and/or contact local law enforcement.

Remember that cyberstalking isn’t typically a single event but a repetition of events that collectively constitute criminal activity. It isn’t a matter of threats being levied. Monitoring you is sufficient violation.

PUBLIC PERSONAE TIPS:

For a listing of things you can do to protect yourself and your interests, click here.

If you incorporate those tips, do what you can to avoid contact with the cyberstalker, then you’re taking reasonable measures to protect yourself and your interests.

If those reasonable measures do not work and the stalker persists, then you’ve got indisputable proof of actions in your records: Preventative actions you’ve taken, and hostile actions the stalker has taken.

The authorities then have what they need to do their jobs–and you can go back to living your life.

Most importantly, be aware. The Internet is a wonderful tool, but it can be used as a weapon.

Don’t willingly become a victim.*

_________________________

(1) See the FMI [for more information] URL above for more information/resources on domestic and foreign information on cyberstalking. Be sure to check the notes section for in-depth references.

©2008, Vicki Hinze

By DivaVicki | Also posted in Fun & Fame, Heart & Soul, Well-being & Fitness | Comments (0)

The Professional Marriage

April 22, 2008 – 2:18 pm

    

I’m asked that question often, and my response is always that the first thing to look for is within.  It is how you view the relationship. 

Many will say your editor isn’t your friend.  My experience says I’ve been friends with every editor with whom I’ve worked.  I’ve been closer with some than with others, but friendships have formed. 

Many will say your agent isn’t your friend.  My experience says I’ve been friends with every agent with whom I’ve worked.  Closer with some than with others, but friendships have formed.

A lot depends on both people involved, and a lot depends on the nature of the work.

In writing, we create something from nothing.  If our partner shares our vision, we’re more apt to be closer.  Because sharing that vision requires a meeting of the minds.  This is, in my humble opinion, the number one reason to form this partnership–because you do share a vision and you believe, and the potential partner believes, that together you can make it manifest–and do so in a way that is above and beyond what either of you could do alone.

So the marriage partnership has a lot in common with marriage.  You look for specific things in a professional partner just as you do in a life partner.

What are those things?

That varies person to person.  But a rule of thumb on the top three in my book are:

1. Vision.  You share a common vision on the work.  The purpose, the reach, the projected result.  You share a vision on strategy, on abilities (both individuals), on capabilities.  You know what you wish to accomplish and agree on a realistic plan to accomplish it–and you agree that those goals are attainable.  Together, you develop a joint vision that is compatible with personal goals, ambitions and desires.  This, I believe, is singularly the most crucial of all considerations because it is the foundation upon which everything else is built.

2.You respect each other.  Without respect for the other’s opinions, ideas, abilities and skills, no partnership can survive much less grow into something magnificent.  If doubt or investment in the partnership exists, it undermines focus.  Mutual effort is splintered and precious time and energy that could be used building momentum is wasted on worry about the absence of being totally in sync and/or focused on the goals.  Respect granted and accepted means questions are asked and answered without upset.  And you often extend faith in your partner and need their faith in you.

 An example.  I was writing a book that fell outside what was normal for me at the time.  I had the utmost respect for my partner–in this case, my editor–who had expressed faith in me by agreeing to support me, tackling this project.  It was an act of faith.  A one-page overview–thumbnail sketch, really–was all she had to make this call.  And she did. 

I didn’t want to disappoint her.  I wanted her to love that book as much as I did.  And because she had taken that leap of faith, I wrote and doubted and wrote and doubted. 

Three times during the writing, I phoned her and said, this isn’t going as planned.  I love it but it’s different.  Do you want to see it now?  And three times she said “Quit worrying and just write the book.  If you love it, I know it’ll work.” 

So I worried and wrote the rest, but I did it knowing she had faith in the creator in me.  That was an asset money can’t buy.  I stretched the boundaries on that book in several ways, and I sent it in–and admittedly prayed she wouldn’t be disappointed, she’d love it as much as I did, and I kept sweaty palms until she read it.  Thank God, she was fast.  Less than two weeks later, she called all excited.  She didn’t like the book, she LOVED the book.

Would I have dared to push those boundaries as far without that faith?  I doubt it.  That’s the value of the expression of mutual respect.  (And the book did well, and won numerous awards, including a gold medal.  So it did exactly what we’d hoped it would do. Whew!)

3.You communicate honestly and openly.  Crucial to all relationships, but this absence in professional relationships can be destructive in ways that exceed the work and intrude on a broader scale.  I’m not suggesting you raise hell or become an obnoxious diva, or that you tolerate that type misconduct from anyone else.  I am saying there’s merit in frank discussion.  Asbestos suits should never be required.  Rhino hide might help. :)  If you keep in mind that in your professional relationships both of you are after the same thing, then the odds of yours being reduced to an adversarial relationship are far less likely.  There are enough challenges without deliberately creating them.  Open your mind and heart and hear and listen, knowing your goals and vision are mutual goals and your joint vision.

As I sit here, I think of more and more tips from the trenches on professional relationships.  But with each of them, as I break them down and really look at them, they’re all covered in one of the above three things. 

To have a good partner–and the author/agent or author/editor relationship is a partnership–you must be a good partner.  That’s the bottom line.  It’s not complex, it’s not difficult.  Just seek a person with whom you share a vision, respect them, and keep the lines of communication open and honest.

Blessings,

Vicki

Vicki Hinze

www.vickihinze.comcd-vh-signature.jpg 

By DivaVicki | Also posted in Heart & Soul, Well-being & Fitness | Comments (0)

The Garage Sale Hunt

January 27, 2008 – 8:45 pm

Spending the day garage sale hunting is one of those times when I—a mild-tempered woman—become one with nature and transform into the hunter-gatherer. Instead of a horse and spear, I arm myself with a car, good walking shoes, and cash. Although a man can become a hunter-gatherer, too, a woman has excelled at this particular skill. I was told once this knack stems from the prehistoric hunter-woman, who was also the gatherer, and needed to know important things like, which bush bears the plumpest berries, or which river is full of the purest water. This ancient skill now manifests itself into knowing where to seek the good deals.

Florida means having garage sales, tag sales, yard sales, and estate sales year round. Today, I take advantage of that fact. Armed with the newspaper classifieds, I, the she-hunter, drive my way around the pre-determined hunting grounds (read: best neighborhoods for yard sales). While I often hunt in a pack, on this sunny Saturday morning, I hunt alone. I drive up to my first yard sale, but first slow down just to do a “drive-by.” I check out the wares. It looks worth stopping. I pull over and walk up the driveway. With a feigned disinterested attitude, I saunter along a table piled high with clothes all about my size, and a few designer labels to boot.

A shiver of excitement shimmies through me at the mother-load. But I maintain my poker face. This cocky attitude will come in handy during the haggle stage of the kill. I pick through the mound of clothes and unearth a classic white blouse. A Donna Karin, no less! But I don’t act too quickly. I must think about it; I don’t part with my money all that easily. Even for a designer blouse at 99.9% off the original price.

I keep the treasure by my side for a moment and sift through more clothes on the table. But when I go to retrieve the precious blouse, it’s gone. In a panic, I scour the territory. Over by the costume jewelry, a woman, using quick, squirrel-like gestures, rummages through clip-on earrings and old broaches with missing rhinestones with one hand. She has the blouse clutched to her breast with the other hand. How did she slip that away from me? Well, she ain’t playing with an amateur. I must make a plan of attack to snatch back this find. Pantherlike, I pad over to the squirrel-woman and tinker with a nearby pair of candlestick holders.

Speaking to no one in particular, I gasp. “Everything here is covered with bugs! The clothes and all! Augh!” Yelling to myself is acceptable behavior, after all, the yard sale brings out all types. I make sure the squirrel-woman holding my prized possession hears me. I wait. But she doesn’t give it up. She still clings to the top. I decide she’s a veteran who won’t fall easily for my tricks. With great patience, I stalk her as she furrows her way along a trinket-laden table.

I realize I must play on her psyche. This can be cruel, but I only use this as a last resort. I stand by and take note of my surroundings. On the ground are two milk crates stuffed with printed silk scarves. Just as my little nemesis scampers by, I again gasp, but this time, in feigned delight. My little squirrel-friend perks up with intense curiosity.

I reel her in by saying, “These scarves are so beautiful and so cheap! They’re only a quarter. Why, they go for twenty dollars at the store!” Her eyes grow wide as she watches me tear into one of these crates. She can’t stay away. She drops the blouse onto the table, scurries toward me, and pounces on the other milk crate before I even have the chance to dig through it. As I coolly stand up and pass her, I subtly slip the abandoned blouse under my protective arm.

I hold my victory cry back, though. Time for the haggle. Without pleasantries, I present my find to the woman running the yard sale. We circle each other in a slow, deliberate pace. We each wait for the other to make the first move in this ritualistic dance.

“How much?” I ask.

“What’s the offer?” she counters.

“Two bucks.”

“Try five.”

I scoff and pretend to return the blouse.

“How ’bout three?” she calls out casually, but I can hear her willingness to unload the item.

I stop and rub my chin. I then point to the candlestick holders. “Throw those in and it’s a deal.”

“Done.” I hand over three singles and she stuffs the blouse into a wrinkled plastic grocery bag. As we turn our backs, we both snicker, truly believing each of us walked away with the better deal. After gently adding the candlestick holders into the paper bag, I steal a glance at the squirrel-woman still rummaging through the scarves. She’s long forgotten about the little designer blouse. Now, I quietly utter my triumphant victory cry.

Yard sale hunting is not for the meek or faint of heart. But whether a person’s rich or poor, there’s something about a pursuit of a bargain that brings out the hunter-gatherer in all of us gals. And nothing beats the satisfaction of finding the plumpest of berries and purest of water at a yard sale.

By DivaKimberly | Also posted in Fun & Fame | Comments (0)

The Budget-conscious Fashion Gal

January 7, 2008 – 5:39 pm

Do you have Chanel taste but on a Wal-Mart budget? No worries. You have plenty of options for stretching your fashion budget and look good doing so. For starters, visit these web sites to help you keep on top of the latest fashion goodies and where to find them for less.

DailyCandy.com

Overstock.com

SmartBargains.com

TheBudgetFashionista.com

TheBudgetBabe.com

Bagborroworsteal.com (This is the place to rent a very expensive designer handbag for a crucial event or meeting at a fraction of the cost…but it can still run you a pretty penny or two.)

Other budget-conscious, fashion-buying tips:

Watch for sample sales and trunk shows. You might think that these only take place in New York City, but guess again! Be on the lookout for them in your area and any places you’ll be visiting as many designers take their shows on the road. Do a Google search for sample sales and trunk shows, watch the newspaper, and subscribe to any maker’s mailing list for updates. DailyCandy.com is good for this as well.

Visit outlet malls. Outlet malls are great, but shop at your discretion. The items you find might be good, but they may or may not be the exact same thing found in better department stores.

Check with a headquarter’s or manufacturing plant’s store on premises. Check if a store’s headquarters or manufacturing plant has an outlet, such as a swimsuit manufacturer (i.e., while in Florida) or shoe manufacturer (especially in New England). Often, another company will sell a maker’s fashions for them, like MJR Sales in Ohio, which likes to keep its fashion-makers a “Secret.” Hmmm. In Florida, the Tampa Bay Area has Home Shopping Network, which has outlets in nearby cities selling products found on air, but at a lesser price. So? What’s near you?

Go hunting for items like gowns out of season. Need a cocktail dress or gown in the future? Buying just after Christmas is a good time to hunt. Also, hunting after prom season is good, since markdowns start happening then in the Junior department. (A gown is a gown no matter what department you buy it in, right?)

Check out Ebay. In the market for a pair of designer shoes or looking for clothing from your favorite store or designer? Ebay is a good option. But when it comes to brand name authenticity, buy with caution.

Venture into consignment shops and vintage clothing stores. Hey, if actresses like Julia Roberts can wear a vintage gown on the red carpet, then why can’t you strut your stuff in vintage?

Julie Roberts in Vintage 

Visit web sites of your favorite store(s). A store’s online site almost always has a “Sale” link. I just looked up a little black dress on sale for $93 (originally $158) at Nordstrom during its after-Christmas sale. No lie! Now, a $900 dress on sale for $500 may still seem out of one’s range as seen on the site, but $93 is pretty easy to swallow. Victoria’s Secret, too, is just one of many stores that has a “Sale” link.

Pay attention to fashion and trends. You will notice that the same trends carry from the “better” department stores to the moderately priced ones, from clothes to accessories. For example, I bought a cute top at Kohl’s  and the next week I saw the identical top (same maker) at Macy’s for more money. Gotta love that! So if you pay attention to what’s on the racks at the expensive stores, you know what look for at the conservatively priced ones like Target (that’s pronounced Tah-Shjay) and Old Navy, which usually have good sales, too.

Find a seamstress/tailor if you can’t sew. If you find a fabulous fashion but it needs nipping and tucking to be perfect, don’t be afraid to spend the extra few dollars on alterations if it means you’ll wear it a lot. Yes, you saved all that money and now your gonna go and spend it elsewhere. It’s okay. A garment is useless if it doesn’t fit right and ends up hanging your closet with the tags still on it. (But if you know you’ll never take that extra step to find a tailor, then reconsider buying that less-than-perfect item.) If you bought something at a store, ask the clerk if they offer an alteration service. If it is too pricey, look up “alterations,” “seamstress,” “sewing,” or “tailor” in the Yellow Pages to find someone. Or better yet, go to your dry cleaner, which usually has someone on the premises or can suggest someone.

Expand your existing wardrobe. How? Buy looking at the items in your closet in a new light. The 80-20 Rule (Pareto Principle) could loosely be applied here. This means that we wear 20% of our clothing 80% of the time. Try to reverse this number with these following tips. First, separate your suits; put blazers with blazers, skirts with skirts. Suddenly, you’ll see all the other tops that can go with that skirt. And you’ll notice all the pants and dresses that can be topped with that blazer. Also, start your day by putting on a pair shoes you rarely get to wear first and build your outfit from there. That’s a good way to make use of all those fab shoes you’ve got.

Other suggestions include raiding your significant other’s closet and hosting a clothing swap with friends.

Now, it’s always good to invest yourself to look good and feel good. So it’s wise to spend a little extra money on some quality basics. You won’t go wrong with a good-fitting pair of jeans, classic black pants, a nice jacket or coat, and crisp white shirt. But with the budget-conscious suggestions listed above, you can expand your wardrobe by complementing your basics with lesser-priced trendy pieces that won’t break the bank.

So, come on…spill! Have you got any secret tips on shopping on a budget? Any tricks to add bling to an outfit or update an old standby? Any good web sites to add to the list or sample sales to let us know about? What special discount places are in your area? Please list them in the comment section!

Happy Shopping! –DivaKimbling

News Flash! Oprah will be dishing with celebs on great fashions on a budget, Tuesday, January 8th. What great timing!

By DivaKimberly | Comments (0)

NEW YEAR’S EVE TO-DO LIST

December 31, 2007 – 10:39 am

 Today the door closes on 2007.  For some it’s been a good year.  For others, the best they can say  is in short order it will be over.  But for the majority of us 2007, like most other years, was a mixture of both.  And how we view it largely depends on how we view its events or what events dominated our thoughts and time (more so than the actual events themselves). Recognizing that offers us an opportunity to look back with a little distance (thus, objectivity) and with the gems of wisdom we’ve gained from all we’ve added to our personal treasure chests this entire year, and that reflection brings us to our biggest opportunity: #1  We are in a position to review, discern what we want to change and what we want to keep in our lives. Change, we all know, takes us outside our known comfort zone.  It is often accompanied by conflict or challenges.  It’s a pain.  But so too is considering yourself on a treadmill you don’t like and not doing the work necessary to get off the thing. Change is one part recognition, one part analysis, one part action. You can’t get off the treadmill if you don’t realize you’re on it–and unfulfilled or discontent with it as it is. You can’t make wise corrections to better your situation so that you are fulfilled and content without exploring the challenge (what has you unhappy/unfulfilled/discontent) and focusing on potential solutions. You can recognize all the challenges in the world and deliberate on them for a lifetime, but if you don’t actually implement a potential solution, you’re not changing a thing to better your situation.  And that means next New Year’s Eve you’ll be sitting right where you are, complaining about the same things you complained about this year (and perhaps the year before, and the one before that).  You must act. In short, if it’s broken, fix it.  You might have to explore a few solutions before hitting on the “perfect” one for you.  Some will try one thing, not like the result, and consider that failure.  That’s okay–provided they try something else–a different potential solution.  Many give up–and remain discontent.  Those who don’t, keep exploring and find the right potential solution for them.  In a very real sense, they fail their way to success. Now we’ve been taught that failure is a bad thing.  But think about it.  If you gain something–and knowing what you don’t want/what doesn’t work is every bit as important as what does work and you do want–then that’s growth, and it is success.  Not where you want to be, but closer.  You know now these things that won’t/don’t work. If you’ve been told repeatedly that failure is bad, then consider the previous statement your personal license to fail.  Go ahead and just fail your way to success. Before the door closes on 2007, review it.  Nurture the good and cull the bad.  Be aware that culling isn’t always painless or welcome (others often don’t like for us to change) but  in this, each of us must do what we feel is right.  And we must remember that doing the right thing is easy when it costs you nothing.  When it exacts a dear price, however, is when we gain the most personal growth.  And regardless of others’ reactions, it is we who will be responsible for what we do and do not do, we who will be accountable, and we  who will bear the fruits and/or the burdens. This, by the way, isn’t a cut and run license.  This is an evaluate and cull that which is no longer constructive and/or a positive influence in helping you shape your life so that you fulfill your purpose.  Doing less leaves you only with regret and no one deserves only regret.  Neither does anyone skate away from the consequences of their actions–that’s immutable, universal law, and well worth remembering. #2  Tie up loose ends. New beginnings require we put endings to bed.  It’s hard to focus on new ventures when we’re dealing with remnants of the old.  Some overlap is inevitable, but the less of the old we have to contend with in the time where our focus should be on the new, the better our odds of not only improving our position and making headway on the new, the better our odds are of building momentum. Momentum is a powerful force.  We put down a foundation.  Upon it, we build.  If one section is framed, we’re limited to going further on that one section.  If two or three sections are framed, then expansion is possible on all.  Momentum builds momentum.  So the less time we spend in the past (deal with the old and get it done) the more time we have to invest in the future (welcome the new). So do what you can to clear the decks–and that includes accepting what you can’t change.  Don’t repress it, accept it.  And then press on. #3  Answer this question:  WHAT DO YOU WANT? No one can have everything they want, but they can have what they want most.  What do you want most?  Answer it.  Not in general terms, but in very specific ones.  Then answer this question:  WHY DO YOU WANT IT AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO GET IT? In defining why you want something, you often clarify and intensify your determination.  You also often develop seeds for your plan of action. The key here is to remember another immutable law that deals with free will.  You are free to seek what you will.  But you are not free to impose your will on any other.  These questions should be about you.  Not about anyone else.  How you can improve yourself, your life, your future.  If you’re constantly replaying old unworthiness tapes, or you spend a lot of time focusing on what’s wrong in your life or with everyone else, you’re on the wrong track.  Respect others and yourself and recognize that you’re not accomplishing a thing that will benefit you. If you need more on this, go into the library (www.vickihinze.com) and read or re-read WINDSHIELDS AND REARVIEW MIRRORS. Bottom line:  Look within.  Your answers and benefits lie there. #4  Set a goal.  Make a plan. I won’t go into specifics here, but if you haven’t read WHY WE NEED A PLAN, I strongly suggest that you do.  It’s in my writer’s library under that title (www.vickihinze.com).  Far too many slide day-to-day, going through the motions of living without investing in anything about which they’re excited or passionate.  The problem with doing this is that at best it’s a poor substitution for a life.  Don’t get so caught up in busy-ness that you don’t even remember your wishes, hopes or dreams.  And if you have forgotten them, pull them out of cold storage, dust them off and see if they’re still your wishes, hopes and dreams or if it’s time for an update–or even an overhaul. Upshot:  Don’t drift, design. #5  Resolve to try at least one new thing. If you do, you might find a new passion.  If you don’t, you won’t.  You might be missing something that could mean a great deal to you–and the saddest thing about that, is you might never know it. I’m reminded here of a story I heard some time ago about a guy caught in a flood.  On three different occasions help came:  a neighbor, a camel and a guy in a boat.  On each of these occasions the man stranded in the rising flood waters refused help, saying he was waiting on God to come help him.  Well, the stranded guy drowned, hooked up with his Maker, and boy he was ticked.  He demanded to know why God hadn’t come.  God replied that he’d sent three different people to help.  What exactly did the guy want?  The moral of the story:  Sometimes we’re so fixed on what we think opportunity looks like that we fail to recognize it when it comes.  Of course, that won’t happen to you if you’re open to new things… #6  Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Of all I’ve written in this post, this is by far the most important.  It’s easy to fall into a hotbed of negativity or into a bad situation that sucks us dry, sows more seeds of discontent, or steals so much of our energy and focus that we grow inextricably mired in it and we lose sight of what’s good and going right in our lives. When that happens, we react emotionally and that’s just not a good idea because our emotions aren’t reliable.  We need balance to function with stability. We all have challenges.  No one escapes them.  But if we focus only on the challenges (versus solutions to them and other things) then we’re doomed to a very rocky, very unstable road and that is definitely not in our best interests–or in anyone else’s.  To gain more balance–which leads to more stable, less dramatic (and melodramatic) events that inflict trauma on ourselves (and often on unsuspecting others)–we need only counter what’s wrong with what’s right.  Counter the challenges with the blessings.  See the good and be grateful for it. Sometimes that’s easier than others.  I’m reminded of something Joel Osteen once said about gratitude.  There are times when the best you can do is to be grateful you’re not like x.  (He pointed mid-air and said like him/her–I don’t recall which.  But the intent in what he said fits situations and events as well as people.)  Be grateful for little things as well as the big ones.  We often learn most from the things we tag as “bad.”  We all have something to celebrate. #7 Where you focus, you follow. Before you act, you think.  And if you allow your thoughts to run wild and unchecked, you diminish the chances of them being in your best interest.  Anyone, given enough time, can rationalize and reason themselves right out of good sense–and rob themselves of accomplishments and even their destinies. If you spend your time focused on the right things, good and constructive things, you’ll be purpose-driven and accomplish.  If you spend your time focused on the wrong things, on negative or destructive things, you’ll follow that path and purpose and accomplishment will elude you. You choose which you’ll do.  You choose upon what you focus and give your energy–how you spend your life.  That’s as it should be since you’re responsible for it and you will live with the joy or regret of your choices. These things, in my humble opinion, are worthy of New Year’s Eve’s opportunities.  Ones that recognize, analyze and act to position a person for powerful, meaningful personal growth.  And for that, and so much more, I am grateful. Blessings, Vicki Vicki Hinzewww.vickihinze.com  

By DivaVicki | Also posted in Heart & Soul | Comments (0)

How to Get Healthy Gorgeous Hair

November 30, 2007 – 1:04 pm

Who wouldn’t want a gorgeous head of healthy hair? After all, it’s one “fashion accessory” that’s always with you. Today, we’re bombarded with ads and articles about how to achieve thick, luscious locks. Trouble is, most of the suggestions for great hair comes by treating your outside…through haircare products and homemade remedies (Every hear of lathering up your tresses with olive oil and wrapping your head in plastic wrap? How about slathering on mayonnaise?) But if you don’t take care of your hair internally, then you’re only treating the symptoms by taking a Band-Aid approach to managing your mane. Below are some suggestions to bring life back to those lackluster locks…from the inside as well as the outside.

Improve your diet. Consistently eating wholesome food nourishes your body, which in turn nourishes your hair. Here’s a quick rundown of vitamins good for your hair:

Vitamin A. Apricots, cantaloupe, carrots, spinach, turnip, romaine lettuce, and sweet potato are terrific sources.

Vitamin B, all of them, especially biotin, pantothenic acid, and riboflavin. Foods containing biotin include brown rice, egg yolks (not raw), green peas, liver, oats, soybeans, sunflower seeds, and walnuts. Foods containing riboflavin include almonds, cheese, leafy green vegetables, and milk. Many foods contain pantothenic acid, including broccoli, cauliflower, eggs, raw crimini mushrooms, squash, tomato, turnip, strawberries.

Vitamin C. Bell peppers, broccoli, oranges, spinach, strawberries, tomatoes, and zucchini all rock when it comes to this vitamin.

Vitamin E. Almonds, spinach, sunflower seeds, swiss chard, turnip are excellent sources.

Supplements. “Bringing back” healthy hair may require an additional boost in nutrition. Try adding vitamin supplements; visit your local health-food store or talk to a medical professional or nutritionist about a supplement plan right for you.

Do some detective work. Determine if any culprits are robbing your hair of nutrition such as overprocessing, hormonal changes (including pregnancy, starting or stopping birth control pills or hormone replacement therapy, etc.), certain medications, aging, genetics/heredity, and dramatic life events (whether traumatic, emotional, exciting). You may wish to consult with your doctor since a dramatic change in your hair might indicate some other physical problem, like a fungus.

Massage your head. This stimulates circulation. Lean your head over to get blood to the scalp and very gently massage as if you are shampooing your hair.

Give your hair a break. Avoid styling tools, processes, harsh products like hairspray, and the sun. Air dry your hair naturally whenever you can.

Invest in a good book about haircare. Check out the vast array of books at your favorite bookstore and choose one most appropriate for your kind of hair.

Try conditioning treatments (i.e., hot oil). Consult with your stylist about products right for you.

Buy quality specialty shampoo products. Nioxin products are great for thinning, brittle hair (found in places like Wal-Mart hair salons, Supercuts, and stores that sell beauty supplies.) Also consider other products like Redkin Extreme Anti-Snap.

Be gentle on the tresses. After washing, avoid rough towel drying and tight towel-turbans as this can lead to breakage. Reduce your use of tight ponytails. Over time, the constant pull can strain the hair and lead to breakage. Use a wide-toothed comb that glides through your strands. Comb out your hair without yanking or snapping; start on the ends and then work your way up toward the root.

Get a regular haircut. Going every six to eight weeks is best for achieving (and maintaining) healthy, strong hair. Yes, this includes you resistant long-haired gals!

When “feeding your hair,” keep in mind that it will take some time to see visible results, from several weeks to many months. But nourishing your hair on the inside, combined with treating the outside, is a terrific two-pronged approached that will help you attain those lovely locks you’re meant to have!

 So, what about you? What is the craziest home remedy that you’ve ever tried to help your hair? What is your worst haircare experience? Please share!

By DivaKimberly | Also posted in Well-being & Fitness | Comments Off

Take a Vacation — It does a family good!

November 29, 2007 – 9:11 am

When I first considered writing this article, I recalled having seen statistics regarding the link between heart disease and lack of vacation time.  What I found when I began searching for the information was shocking even to me considering I remembered hearing about it before.  There have been many studies done and there is a wealth of information about this linkage available on the Internet.

Vemeer 

Women who do not take a vacation are 50% more likely to die of a heart related illness than women who take two vacations each year.  One study indicated that women’s marriages are better if they take two or more annual vacations.  For men, studies indicate that the leading cause of health-related deaths for men is heart disease and there is a 30% more likelihood of dying from heart disease in men who do not take vacations versus those who do.  The benefits of annual vacationing also pass on to your families as well.

From the LA Times, June 2007, Take Vacation Advice to Heart: “From 1965 to 1967, as part of the Framingham Heart Study, about 750 women ages 45 to 64 with no heart disease completed an extensive questionnaire about personal and lifestyle characteristics. The women were tracked for the next 20 years, and then researchers analyzed their risk factors for having a heart attack, fatal or not.

The findings, published in the American Journal of Epidemiology in 1992, reported that the least frequent vacationers (those who took no more than one vacation every six years) were at 50% higher risk for a heart attack than the most frequent vacationers (those who took at least two vacations every year). Among stay-at-home spouses, the difference was higher: The least-frequent vacationers faced about twice the risk of the most-frequent vacationers.”

Researchers theorize, and more information is being gathered daily, that the reason vacations are so important is that they relieve stress.  Stress and cortisol production have strong links to heart disease.  Once the vacationer returns to work, for the following three weeks her stress and cortisol production is reduced and her likelihood of burnout is dramatically decreased.  Evidently, even just a week off has long-term lasting effects.  Some researchers believe these studies show that even a short reduction in cortisol production is enough to help repair the damage from job stress.

I wondered how important these statistics were when it came to cause of death in the United States.  I went to the National Center for Health Statistics website and found that the leading cause of health-related deaths is heart disease, with strokes following in third place.

I find it very interesting that in this age when we’re learning exactly how important vacation is to workers’ welfare, many employers are actually decreasing vacation time (some are adding it to sick time, but reducing the total number of days available) and many employees feel that if they take time off they might lose their job or be passed over for promotions. 

“One in six U.S. employees is so overworked he/she is unable to use up annual vacation time, despite the fact that Americans have the least vacation time in the industrialized world, a landmark national survey released today reveals.” — PRNewswire

Combined with the rising costs of health care, I believe employers need to look very carefully at encouraging employees to take time off rather than losing their vacation time if they don’t take it within a certain timeframe.  While the short term benefits to employers in working their employees harder looks good on their bottom line, it’s certainly within the realm of the possible that in future families of deceased employees might hold such an employer accountable.  Additionally, the long term costs to companies in having unhealthy workers as a result of such policies shouldn’t be overlooked.  Rising costs of health benefits, rising costs of training new employees, lack of job retention, the list goes on.

 Wake up America — and maybe it’s time for a nap!

This article is my long-winded way of saying that I plan to take a hiatus from writing fiction during the month of December — I’m doing it for my family :)

By DivaKC | Also posted in Travel, Well-being & Fitness | Comments (1)

HOW-TO HAVE A CAREER AND A LIFE WHEN TIME IS TIGHT

November 14, 2007 – 10:45 am

Time and Career

©2007, Vicki Hinze

If you want to do something, you’ll find time to do it.

I’ve believed that my entire life. Which is not to say that I lack sympathy for the challenges in actually making it happen, especially when you’re juggling a home/life and a career.

Yet even with challenges, you will find time to do those things you most want to do because your desire to do them will entice you to give them “high priority” on your to-do list.

Desire breeds determination. Want it badly enough and you move heaven and earth to make it happen. I recall seeing in some magazine once a comment about Madonna. The author said long before Madonna became a hit, she’d seen Madonna in a club and “her ambition was shining like a second skin.”

Madonna knew what she wanted and went after it.

The author knew what Madonna wanted and recognized it.

But recognition isn’t enough when you’re looking at your life.

The key to doing more of what you want to do requires understanding–your own.

You must identify what you want and understand why you want it.

Understand what it takes to get from where you are to where you want to be.

Understand a simple truth about time and that is, we’re not going to find time because it isn’t lost.

We all have twenty-four hours in each day. No one gets any more or any less. So our first step on this how-to path is to realize that we have a set amount of time in which to do the things we want to do–and that time (and those wants) fall right behind the things we have to do.

Some will tell you that wants hold equal importance to needs. I won’t debate that, but I will say that the majority of women functioning in real-world situations tend to do what they must and then whatever is left over is used on wants.

Want time is scarce and we don’t want to squander a second of it. Others rarely consider it but how we spend that available “want” time is significant–very significant–to us and our state of well being and contentment. (How happy would anyone be doing just the command performance things in life?)

Available want time holds the keys to understanding the dynamics of what we’re doing now and how we can reclaim or reallocate to better utilize our available want time.

Some considerations that might be helpful for you in identifying dynamic keys that will afford you the ability to accomplish this follow. This listing isn’t inclusive, or a cure-all. And it will take a little commitment from you to actually implement. Namely, an hour or so to prepare the first listing, and a few minutes each day for a month to note the second listing.

THE FIRST LISTING

The first listing is one on where you “think” your time goes.

Each day, just jot down what you do and how much time you spend doing it. Simple enough, but don’t be fooled. The reality in this list will surely surprise you.

THE SECOND LISTING

The second, daily listing compiled over a month, is one where you’ve jotted down where your time actually went.

The comparison of the two might not just surprise it; it might shock you. But it also might enable you to more efficiently distribute your time on things that most matter to you.

Prepare a list, as if you were dealing with one month of your life. Tag it “Think” list. (Because it is a compilation of where you think you spend your time.)

• We all have responsibilities. To family. To our “other” careers. List those responsibilities and the time you feel you spend each day fulfilling them. Be specific. Whether it’s paying bills, working on the job, attending the kids’ ball games. Commute time to and from work if it’s significant.

• We all have commitments. (Volunteer jobs, classes you’re taking, teaching. Studying. Critiquing others’ work, heading PTA or other organizations..) List those responsibilities and the time spent each day fulfilling them.

• List hobbies, recreational pursuits, time spent exercising, or anything you do on a regular basis which requires your time. (Include time spent reading for pleasure, time spent watching television, etc.)

• List all other obligations that require your time on a steady basis.

Now put this list away for one month. Don’t look at it, and don’t think about it.

Start a new list. Tag this one “Actual.”

• At the end of each day, note what you did and the time you devoted to doing it.

• Do this every day for one month.

Draft a chart to use to track some of the repetitive tasks. Amend it to suit your personal life. Charting makes deciphering the data easier.

All right, now you’ve got “Think” and “Actual” lists and you can compare notes.

If your results are anything like mine were, you’re going to be stunned. I found that I was wasting a lot of time. And I’ve developed some methods to help me counteract that. I’ve also developed a mindset that helps me stay focused on what I most want.

Before I go any further, I want to interject here that there is nothing wrong with having free time and there should be free time included in every day. Our mental health requires it, as do our creative and spiritual selves. So what I’m about to impart must be taken with that thought in mind.

Don’t schedule yourself so rigidly that you lose spontaneity or overwhelm yourself. Take time to smell not only the roses, but also their leaves and stems.

Others originally said these things but, in my opinion, they hold a lot of wisdom, and deserve consideration:

1. You can’t have everything you want.

You can have those things you want most. (Norman Vincent Peale.) What do you want most? Think about it. Decide. Often we drift and do things without ever stopping to really weigh what we want, and then we suffer these god-awful feelings of being dissatisfied. So think about it, and then focus on obtaining what you want.

If you don’t know what you want, you’re apt to never get it. That leads to regret, and regret can be merciless.

If you don’t have a map for getting where you want to go, you won’t know which road to take to get there and, worse, when you get to your destination, you won’t know you’ve arrived.

Where do you want to go? If you’re a writer, is it your objective to be a star bestseller? Or do you want to be a steady producer with a low profile? What’s the plan for getting there? What decisive steps are you taking toward reaching this destination?

Whatever you are doing, know your objective. Concretely define what you want to achieve and how you plan to achieve it. Develop that plan and then enact it. The best plan in the world is useless if you never take action to implement it. Only one thing is worse: not having a plan.

Without a map (or a long-range plan) you flounder, take wrong turns, get side-tracked at roadside attractions that might be fun (and might should be done for that purpose alone, but should be identified as such so that you don’t fool yourself into believing these things hold value to the overall plan).

You must know where you’re going to go to get there and be content. You must take concrete, positive steps so that you move in the direction of your goals and dreams. Think of this as plotting your life, because that is what you’re doing. Plotting moves you steadily toward something, ever forward from where you are to where you want to be. In this case, to be content, that goal or where you want to be should be a place or state that you’ve specifically chosen. It should not be just how things turned out, or the way the cookie crumbled. Choice is empowerment, it’s also empowering, particularly when discussing your life.

2. Be wary of advice.

Advice is a wonderful thing. Respect it. Listen to it. But in the end, follow your own path and judgment.

Only you know all the inner-workings of your plan, your dreams, and your vision. Only you, ultimately, know your entire plot, or story–all of everything in your mind and heart.

So be grateful to those who advise you. Appreciate their time, their consideration and concern and interest. But weigh the advice given into your plans and use only those parts of it that you feel are beneficial to you. And, for pity’s sake, never alter your plans because so-and-so is where you want to be and s/he says your way won’t work. These maps and travels are life journeys, and they are as individual and unique as life itself.

That said, don’t feel you must reinvent the wheel. If so-and-so has traveled this path successfully, and you feel you can travel this same path to success, then don’t feel you must alter that path just for the sake of altering or being different. Coloring outside the lines is fine, if you feel you need it do it. But coloring outside the lines for the sake of coloring outside the lines is counter-productive. Bottom line, use what works for you and ditch whatever doesn’t.

3. If your ship hasn’t yet come in, then swim out to the sucker.

If you have a particular weakness, focus on it. Plan study time so that you overcome the challenge. If you want something specific, then you can’t wait for it to come to you. If you aren’t qualified for something you want, then get qualified for it. If you want a particular job, ask for it, apply yourself to getting it by making it a priority to learn as much as you can about the job and the likes and dislikes of performing it. Take decisive steps to acquire what you want.

4.Learn to say “No.”

This was a particularly hard challenge for me. I love doing volunteer work. I love being involved. I love giving because it makes me feel good. But I learned the hard way that one person can only give so much before that person depletes themselves and can’t give at all. This, too, is a loss—for oneself and for those one wishes to help.

Remember that you are one person. You can’t help everyone, nor can you do everything. I know because I tried. The results? Slivered focus. Nothing much accomplished. Mental and physical exhaustion that required months of medical treatment.

Have you ever had a doctor tell you “Slow down or die?” That is what you’re courting when you take on too much. The lesson I learned is to do what you can comfortably do. We all have an obligation to help others and we should help others. Do this, no less, but no more. Think TNSTAAFL. (There’s no such thing as a free lunch.) You accept too much, you lose everything. Then everyone loses, most of all you.

5. If you reach for Mars, you’ll never reach Pluto.

Don’t be afraid to dream, to set your goals high. This is subjective, unique to each individual, but don’t be timid of wanting too much, of going too far. Often we let our insecurities keep us from really stretching ourselves. I mean creatively, imaginatively, here, not over-extending, as in over-committing.

If you reach for Mars, the next planet in our solar system, then how do you know you couldn’t have gone farther? But if you reach for Pluto and you get it, great. Say you only get to Uranus, well, you’ve gone two planets farther than you would have had you set your sights on Mars.

The important thing here is that you acknowledge your right to fall short of your ultimate goals. That you don’t browbeat yourself for traveling to Uranus and not to Pluto. There’s a fine balance here, and you have to look at each success and enjoy each success along the way. You must not fail to enjoy the successes because you’re so intently focused on the goal, in this case, Pluto. Earth, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn hold value and the joys found in them deserve savoring, too.

Now, enough philosophy and onto implementing practicality.

Prioritize. After you’ve studied your Actual list and seen where you’ve really been spending your time, consider how you can restructure your time to use it more efficiently. I do this with what’s commonly referred to as The $10,000.00 Plan.

This plan is no more than a simple Things-to-Do list. A daily list wherein the tasks that must be done are put in order of importance. Then you start at the top of the list and work your way down it. Those things most important are accomplished first. This is a flexible thing, because something always comes up. But if you work by priority, the most important things do get accomplished.

Incorporate. Into your daily plan incorporate the decisive steps that will get you where you want to go. In other words, add your long-range plans to these daily plans. This requires you set goals. I have them for the day, week, month, year, as well as a five year plan and a Master Plan.

My Master Plan is where I want to get long-term. It contains career aspects, but also emotional and spiritual aspects. Why? Because I have non-career aspirations as well as career ones and the master plan deals with the entire me, not just one part of me. I incorporate these emotional and spiritual aspirations on my daily lists as well. That helps me focus on everything without losing focus on any one thing.

Schedule. I know that many people are opposed to schedules. I’m not. They work for me. The key to this is to have a schedule only so rigid as to be productive and not stifling to you. Find your level, and use it for the good it can do for you. You might not benefit from set hours to accomplish set tasks. You might. Only you know this.

I schedule time to study, to critique, to work on my own novels, to work on articles, booklets, and other material. I have set days to pay bills, to look at and deal with personal business, correspondence, and errands. I schedule a great deal because I feel more in control and I’m focused. I gain a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction with each check mark signifying a task has been completed. I also schedule “free” time because I’m a workaholic, recognize that weakness, and know I’m prone to not taking free time. I schedule days off and vacations for the same reason. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t take them. I wouldn’t be balanced and that isn’t good for my mental, physical, or spiritual health. Robbing Peter to pay Paul leaves everyone busted and unfulfilled. So find the level of schedule (whether rigid or lax or somewhere in between) that is of greatest benefit to you, then utilize it.

Self-discipline. As the name implies, self must take matters in hand, analyze them, adapt them to make them work, then accomplish them. For example, writing is a creative pursuit, but if you wait for the muse to strike to work, you’re not going to make a career of writing commercial fiction. No one is going to stand over your shoulder, crack a whip, and yell, “Ass to leather, Writer!” You have to monitor and accept responsibility for what you do yourself. You have to put your backside in that chair and write.

Some time-saving points:

These are little things, but over the course of a week, a month, they add up to hours. Hours you can better spend on writing.

1. Look at mail once. Deal with it, and be done with it. Don’t stack it and be forced to review it again later.

2. Don’t procrastinate. If you know something is coming up in two weeks, give it priority on your list and get it finished and out of the way. Otherwise, you think about needing to do it, wasting time and energy, and worry about it when none of those things actually DO anything.

3. If you’re working full-time, utilize your lunch hours a couple days a week to accomplish a priority item on your list. Be that studying, answering correspondence, or writing–whatever you can feasibly do. When I worked full-time, I incorporated free time with lunchtime so that I could just relax and not feel guilty about all the things I should have been doing. I scheduled lunches with my husband several days a week. This was terrific all around.

4. Never cut corners if it cuts quality. In other words, don’t resolve to get up an hour earlier if in doing so you’re comatose. Comatose, you’re not accomplishing a thing. You have to have reasonable expectations on what your capabilities are and reasonable acceptance of your limitations. If you have 30 minutes a day to write, then it could be helpful to say, I write this particular thirty minutes each day. It could gear you up so that when that time arrives, you know you’re supposed to produce and so you do it. But if having a set time to write inhibits you or makes you anxious, then it isn’t beneficial, it’s destructive to have that set time. You must try methods and use that which works for you.

In closing, the phrase, Physician heal thyself comes to mind.

While we aren’t ill in the traditional sense, if we aren’t satisfied with our progress, our production—our lives—then we can in a sense be physicians who heal ourselves.

There are some things we cannot control. But there are many things that we can and should control. The first step is to recognize the difference. To understand those things we can change and then to change them in ways that are constructive to our entire selves.

In doing the lists, then analyzing them, I came to better understand myself, what I want and I reevaluated what’s important to me. I hope that in doing so you will find the same benefits I found. It is work, yes. It does take a little time, yes. But if you do it, you’ll have a firmer grasp on a higher quality life and career you want–even when time is tight.*

Blessings,

Diva Vicki

vic sig file

By DivaVicki | Also posted in Heart & Soul, Well-being & Fitness | Comments (1)

Fashion rant

November 10, 2007 – 11:57 pm

Dear Fashion Designer and clothing store manager: 

Ok, granted I’m not 12 anymore. I know that. My husband and family know that. My friends know that. It’s fairly obvious. So why is it that the stores have lost sight of that little thing?

The dh decided to head to the mountains for a few days and I needed a pair of jeans and maybe a t-shirt or two. Thinking this will be a quick grab and dash trip I set off to the store.  Four hours later not only am I still empty handed, I’m also streaming mad.

I have a few things to say to fashion designers and stores who claim to carry women’s clothing. I am not 12. I didn’t like low-rise bell bottom jeans 40 some years ago, I certainly don’t like them now. Denim is made of cotton, not spandex and totally not some strange polyester looking fabric that has just a hint of tie-dying to it to make it streaky. It looks fake. It feels fake. It’s just…well…fake. Cotton, thank you. Navy Blue. Stone washed if at all possible. And for heaven sakes my legs have their own shape, I don’t need or want your “boot cut” to make them look odd. Let’s try something “new” like a straight leg.

And those “princess/empire” waisted blouses? Um, we called them maternity tops. Doesn’t matter how much lace, trim or gathers you put on them, they still look like maternity tops. I didn’t like them 30 some years ago either and again, don’t like them now. And belled sleeves? What nightmare prompted you to resurrect those things? They drag across your plate while you’re eating and they don’t fit well beneath a jacket. There was a reason they went out of fashion in the middle ages and again in the 60s-70s. Could you please put them back in the “just don’t go there” closet?

While I’m at it, let me repeat…I’m not 12 anymore. Mini-skirts drove me insane when they were “in” fashion and at 5′9″ I weighed 108 pounds with the rock tied on my arse. Offering me something that looks suspiciously like a tube top while trying to convince me it’s a skirt isn’t going to work. 

I truly beg your pardon, but not everyone wears a size 32B bra. If I could get into a 32B I’d go braless and shirtless. What I do like is colors. You know, red, pink, blue, aqua, yellow, green, orange, COLORS. Just because I can’t wear that 32B doesn’t mean I’ve become color blind. Something other than white, beige and black would be nice. Oh, and hold off on the demi for daily wear. Give me a break.

I’m going to look real classy hiking the hills. One hand holding up my jeans beneath my billowing maternity top with the flapping sleeves, while the other hand is busy stuffing my boobs back in place. It’ll be great. The dh will point to a raptor exclaiming, “Look at that!” and I’ll be too afraid to let go of my clothing.

Naw…on the other hand, I’ll just go patch the old worn out Lees some more and steal a couple of the dh’s button down shirts.  Atleast I won’t have to worry about losing something and I won’t look like I’m fighting my age. I happen to like my age. We’ve become real comfortable with each other. Just give us a break and let us have something to wear that isn’t embarassing or disgusting.

Thank you,

By DivaDenise | Comments (1)