Today, I’d planned an article on Literacy and how our reading habits are changing. And then I ran across an article in the New York Times on this subject and saw that they’ve been working on this–and confirming my fears and more.
So I’m going to defer, and ask that you read this article today. The information is enlightening, the potential impact startling.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/27/books/27reading.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin
Love to hear your comments.
Blessings,
Diva Vicki
Option One: Why not make your white wedding gown green?
After your “green” wedding, you can do even more by recycling your gown. Yes, many a bride preserves her gown, perhaps to pass down to a future daughter. However, will the gown be fashionable (or usable for that matter after so many decades), by the time the daughter is old enough to get married? And will she even want it? (Tips for preserving the gown are listed below.)
Why not turn your gown into a cocktail dress or recycle part(s) of it as a shirt and/or skirt if the style lends itself to that? Or dye it if you want? You can make fluffy lacy white pillows and enjoy them all the time. How about turning it into a christening gown or two for your future children? Or give the christening gown as a gift to a newborn of a friend or family. For other ideas on recycling your gown, check out Dr. Dave and Dee.
You can donate your gown to Wedding Gowns for Angels, an organization that provides burial garments for infants who have passed away. Several garments and mementos can be made from one gown and then donated to the family, sparing them of one less emotional task when saying good-bye to their little angel.
You can consign your gown, as long as it is cleaned and in pristine condition. Then another bride can have an affordable gown and you can get back some cash on your investment, which might come in handy in starting your new life with your new partner.
Lastly, you can always donate your gown to help another bride have a beautiful, memorable day, just like you.
Option Two: If You’d Like to Keep Your Gown
Find a specialty eco-friendly cleaner that meticulously cleans gowns like Forever Treasured in San Diego.
If the gown is a historical piece, requires extra care, or cannot by cleaned properly by a specialty dry cleaner, then you may want to consider a textile conservator.
For more information on cleaning, preserving, and storing a wedding gown, check out these helpful hints from the Minnesota Historical Society.
Either way, a wedding gown can bring joy long after the wedding day. Enjoy!
–DivaKimbling (aka the Wedding Writer)
Just a reminder now that the hot weather is fast approaching (or here already!) to use extra caution when it comes to your children and pets.
Every year, we hear the painful news about infants and toddlers suffering tragically and dying from hyperthermia in a hot car because they are forgotten in a closed vehicle in the heat. Up to 36 children annually. July usually has the highest death rate.
How does this happen? According to the website, Go San Angelo, the number of deaths has increased due the law requiring child safety seats to be put in the backseat of a car. Often, a parent or caretaker will forget a child is back there. The article goes on to say approximately 340 children have died in hot cars since the mid 1990s.
Jan Null has posted vital information about this topic on GGWeather.com. Here are some of the safety tips:
Never ever leave a child unattended in a vehicle. Not even to do a quick errand. Not because you left something in the house and have to run back in. Not for any reason. Not for second. Temperatures inside a hot vehicle soar quickly, often with deadly consequences.
Be sure that all occupants leave the vehicle when unloading. Don’t overlook sleeping babies. Make “look before you leave” a routine whenever you get out of the car, every time.
Prevent a child from climbing into your unoccupied hot car and then getting trapped inside by always locking your car when not in use; ensure children do not have access to keys or remote entry devices. If a child is missing, check the car first, including the trunk. Teach your children that vehicles are never to be used as a play area.
Keep a stuffed animal in the car seat and when the child is put in the seat, place the animal in the front with the driver. It serves as a reminder.
Place your purse or briefcase in the back seat as a reminder that you have your child in the car.
Have a plan that your childcare provider will call you if your child does not show up for school.
Please check out ggweather.com for more information so that we can all be sure that our children are kept save.
E. Panduro, a nurse in Florida, offers these tips:
If you do see a child in a hot car, call 911.
If you happen to get the child out of the vehicle before medics arrive, offer the child fluids, get him to a cool place, and cool him down with a cool cloth (using what you have).
Watch for signs of stress (i.e., dehydration, hyperthermia) such as dizziness, headaches, lethargy, difficulty breathing, pulse that seems too fast or too slow. Relay those to the medics, or to the ER staff, if you go.
Prevention is key.
While we’re on subject of safety, never leave a child unattended near water. From a half-full mop-bucket of water on your kitchen floor, to the bathtub, to a lake, ocean, or pool. Drowning happens in a moment, while your back is turned for just a second, and it happens in dead silence.
Pet Safety
The same goes for your pets, too. Leaving a pet in a hot car is cruel, even with the car’s window opened a crack, parked in the shade. This is still not an option. It’s torture for your pet.
Take care of your pets in the heat. Provide plenty of water and shade. And if you take your dog for a walk, pay attention to the pavement. Pavement gets scalding hot in the heat of the day, under the hot sun. If the sidewalk, street, or pavement is too hot for your bare feet and will burn you, then it’s too hot for your pet’s feet as well.
Have a wonderful, safe summer! –Diva Kimbling
Related News Stories
Nancy Grace Transcript: Two Children Die in a Hot Car
Everyone is going green so why not make your wedding eco-friendly too? Using organic food, working with vendors who do their part for the environment, and using fair trade foods/items are just some of the ways a bride can have the day of her dreams and be environmentally conscious at the same time.
Having a sustainable, ethical wedding sounds expensive and time consuming, doesn’t it? Not necessarily. And no bride can go completely green for her wedding IMHO, however, she can pick and choose what works for her. Every little bit helps. Websites like Ethical Weddings , My Ethical Wedding and Great Green Weddings are some places that help the bride looking to be socially conscious.
For now, here are just a few ideas:
Find a caterer/supplier who is environmentally friendly. Do a search online for local vendors/suppliers.
For wedding-related events/parties, etc., use foods that are local and abundant during your celebrations.
Used recycled paper for invitations.
Something old, something new, something borrowed…Yes, borrow what you can. This will give special meaning to your wedding as it lets others participate indirectly by loaning you those antique pearls, earrings, cuff links, etc. It also creates more memories for these lovely pieces. This not only cuts down on cost, you are reusing items, which puts less stress on the environment. Get your family and friends involved. From wedding décor to formal wares (like a chafing dish or coffee urn for the bridal shower) let them know what you are looking for and perhaps they have that item and can loan it to you. (Keep an inventory of who loaned what!)
Purchase a recycled gown. Or rent a gown from places like Rent A Bridal Gown or a similar boutique near you. Do a website search for Bridal Gown Rentals. Or you can find them locally at boutiques providing such a service. It’s a great way to purchase that dream designer wedding gown at a more reasonable price. Also visit consignment shops for top notch dresses. The environment and your wallet will thank you.
Reuse/remount existing family jewelry or heirlooms or melt down existing gold items just sitting in your jewelry box to turn them into wedding bands. This adds history and meaning to the items.
Support World Fair Trade Day. This is celebrated around the second Saturday of May. (How convenient! At the start of wedding season!) Many states in the U.S. host festivals and events on this day (not to mention events worldwide, of course!). Contact them on how you can incorporate this endeavor into your wedding plans. It could be as simple as using only fair-trade coffee at your functions or giving out unusual gifts to your wedding party that are unique and specially made by artisans who are supported by fair trade groups.
For an example of an ethical wedding, check out the bridal couple Brian and Caitlin, who serve as an example of how one bride and groom went green and had a terrific wedding day doing so.
My next wedding-related posting will offer tips on what to do with the wedding gown after the big day, so be on the lookout!
So, what about you? Do you have a wedding or wedding-related event coming up and wish to share some ideas on how you made it green? Or intend to make your upcoming bridal event green? Share it in the comments section now.
Buh-bye! –Diva Kimbling
WORKING AT HOME:
WHAT’S THE UPSIDE, PERKS AND BEST?
WHAT’S THE DOWNSIDE, DRAWBACKS AND WORST?
When we’re stuck in a 9 to 5 job, married to a desk, or we’re torn between being at home with the kids when the family really could use a second income, our thoughts often turn to working at home. We dream of working at home. How wonderful, we think, it would be to not have to get up and go to work.
Sometimes in these dreams we go so far as to do a pro and con list. These are the benefits and drawbacks of working outside the home, and these are the benefits and drawbacks of working at home.
In the past two decades, I’ve done plenty of both, and there are benefits and drawbacks on either path–some of which you might have considered, and some that perhaps have yet to come to mind and make it onto your list. As in most situations, when you look beyond the work itself and to the realities of living with doing the work on a daily basis, things you didn’t think of and couldn’t know come up. It’s those things I’d like to discuss in this series on Working-at-Home.
Let’s do a little comparison of the good and the bad.
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly
|
THE GOOD |
THE BAD |
| You set your own hours. | You set your own hours. |
| You determine your own workload. | You determine your own workload. |
| You set your own agenda. | You set your own agenda. |
| You elect which jobs to take on, and which ones to refuse. | You elect which jobs to take on, and which ones to refuse. |
| You can be at home with your kids, or with the parent residing with you, or with the spouse who works from or is confined to home. | You can be at home with your kids, or with the parent residing with you, or with the spouse who works from or is confined to home. |
| If you need time off, you can schedule it. | If you need time off, you can schedule it. |
| You’re the boss, and the perks are many. | You’re the boss, and the perks are many. |
| You choose, you decide and you assign/attribute focus–all are your choices. | You choose, you decide and you assign/attribute focus–all are your choices. |
Note that the entries in the “good” and “bad” column are exactly the same. The reason for that is each of these points can be positive or negative–a benefit and blessing–or a bane and curse. Which column–good or bad–each item ends up in depends on one thing: you. You, and the choices you make.
Those choices are relative to your character, your personal preferences, your attitude and work ethic, your goals and ambitions and your personality.
SETTING YOUR OWN HOURS. When you work at home, no one is tapping you on the shoulder to punch in and start work at 9 A.M. No one is going to chain to your desk until you get your work done. You have to have the discipline to do this yourself. So you’d better know the answer to this question: Do I have the discipline to show up and stick with it to accomplish the job?
People have visions of the person who works at home having all this free time. It’s common to hear, “Oh, you can do this volunteer job, because you’re at home all day.” But the truth of the matter is that when you work at home, rather than working fewer hours than you would in an office, you end up working more. Not by choice but by necessity. Why?
At home, you are dong the job and you are the support staff. There is no one else doing any aspect of the job. You must handle everything–taxes, bookkeeping, marketing and publicity, acquiring new clients or those you sub-contract for–you do all of it in addition to doing the work itself. Or you must pay someone to do aspects of the job you don’t want to do or your can’t do. In that case, you end up working more hours in order to earn additional income to cover those additional expenses.
Every aspect of the work, not just the work itself, takes time. And how well you execute each aspect has a direct impact on the success of your at-home work. Yes, you set your own hours. But your hours are divided between work and the other work that is ancillary to that work.
YOU DETERMINE YOUR WORKLOAD. If you want to work two days a week, then you can planyour workload so that only two days a week are required of you. If things come up (and often, they do) and you need to scale back, you can choose to turn down business that would prohibit you from being able to scale down.
The flip side of this is that with each offer of work that is refused, your clients must find someone elseto take on the work. And each time you send them to someone else, or that you fail to meet an obligation, not do what you say when you say you will, you invite them to do business elsewhere. Some will wait for you. Some will take their business elsewhere–this time and next time. And you’ve lost a client that now you must spend time and energy and expend effort replacing.
If you’re good at what you do and you have great work ethics (quality service/product in a timely manner; people skills, etc.), then there will likely come a time when you have more business than you can handle. It helps to have someone to share the load. For example, is there another home worker with whom you can trade off work during times when it’s necessary? The above traits are essential in any trade, because you’re entrusting each other with both reputations.
The important thing is to do a realistic assessment on how much work you want to take on, how long it
will take you to do it, and when you find the balance that works, hold the line. From time to time, you
should reassess–our visions do change. But keep your finger on the pulse of this. Take on no more than
you’re willing to invest a hundred percent in doing. That assures you that you get what you want and your
business (and clients) get what they deserve.
YOU SET YOUR DAILY AGENDA. Because you have all these ancillary jobs to do that are associ-
ated with your work, your life will run more smoothly if you are organized. The key isn’t which method of
organization you use. The key is that it works well for you and keeps you out of working in crisis-mode.
Know what you have to accomplish on a daily and weekly basis (short-term goals) and monthly, annu-
ally and even develop a five-year plan (long-term goals).
I like working from a priority list. That way, the most critical items on my list are done first and if things pop up, those remaining undone at the end of the day are far less likely to be critical–things that will put me into working in crisis-mode.
Think of your daily agenda as a guide not as a rigid do-or-die-trying rule list. Things will come up. Everyone must deal with the unexpected, unanticipated, and often the unwanted. If you’re rigid, you’re going to spend a lot of time tense. If you’re flexible and working from a priority list, you’re better able to absorb the changes without tension and without them creating a crisis.
When I first started working at home, if someone called and they were in crisis, I’d do what I could to
help–even if it meant putting me into crisis. I took on their challenges. But along the way, I discovered that the majority of their challenges–ones they dumped into my lap to fix–were self-inflicted wounds. They had elected to do other things, often enjoyable things, gotten themselves into a fix because they had neglected their responsibilities, and then wanted me to fix the problem. Yes, they were appreciative–some of them, anyway–and yes, I did want to do what I could to help them. But invariably what occurred was not that they’d be more responsible next time, but that they’d again neglect their responsibility and come to me to fix it because they knew I would.
Helping others is a terrific thing. But you have to check yourself so that you don’t become part of
someone else’s problem. Ask: Am I reinforcing their bad habits or am I genuinely helping. Sometimes
saying no is absolutely the best thing you can do for someone else. Sometimes letting them scrape their
knees keeps them from later scraping their nose. Learning this was a valuable lesson.
YOU ELECT WHICH JOBS TO TAKE ON AND WHICH ONES TO REFUSE. When you’re
first getting started in an at-home job, you’re apt to be hungry and eagerly accept whatever work you can
get. Sometimes it works out well, sometimes it’s a disaster.
For example. A writer friend of mine is also an independent movie producer and is very gifted at con-
verting novels to screen-scripts. While his own work and movies keep him pretty booked up, now and then
he gets a request and he takes a look, loves the book and is tempted. The first judgment call isn’t based on the book. It’s based on the person seeking the conversion. Is that individual professional? Does s/he know this process? How much trouble is s/he going to be?
Few want to work or deal with difficult people. But when your time is your money and you’re standing alone, it isn’t that you just don’t want to work or deal with them, you can’t afford to deal with them. And the point in this is that working at home requires you to be judicious in your alliances. All of them. Whether it is a client, an assistant, or a person with whom you’ve formed a strategic business alliance. If you’re spending all of your time dealing with a problem, you’re not producing work and that reflects (and negatively impacts) your earnings.
Anything that negatively impacts earnings threatens your business.
Even if you’re new and hungry, be selective. You’ll save money and increase earnings for having been.
YOU CAN BE AT HOME WITH YOUR KIDS, OR WITH THE PARENT RESIDING WITH YOU, OR WITH THE SPOUSE WHO WORKS at OR IS CONFINED TO HOME. If the children are small, not yet in school, it’s often difficult to find affordable child care. Working at home can be an asset, provided you set
boundaries and rules which enable you to both care for the kids and accomplish your work. It’s critical that your workload be adjusted to allow quality time with the children so that they get what they need from you. Just being in the house with them isn’t enough. They need your attention and your interest in them and priority for their development.
Mutual respect is required. When you’re on the phone, they need to know it’s business and not to interrupt unless it’s urgent. Define urgent.
Before my kids could read, I had a red light–traffic signal. If the light was green, they were free to visit. If it was red, then they were only to interrupt if it was really important. Establish the barriers for both your sakes. It isn’t fair for you to get upset with them if you haven’t made your needs and expectations clear.
Working at home can be a blessing if your kids are at that in-between age, too. Too old for after school daycare, but not really old enough to be at home alone, or latchkey kids. It’s easier to work at home when your children fall into this age group because they have responsibilities and commitments, too, and they more readily grasp the necessity of your work.
Dealing with an at-home spouse or parent can be a little more difficult, or a little easier, depending on the individual and their attitude toward your work. Again, mutual respect is required. Be honest about your needs and expectations and be flexible when you can in meeting theirs.
It takes patience to work at home with others there. And before you elect to do it, you need to take a hard look at the others in your home and at yourself and determine if realistically it will be a healthy, happy environment for all of you.
IF YOU NEED TIME OFF, YOU CAN SCHEDULE IT. Now this is a tricky one. We’ve already talked about dealing with things that come up, short suspenses and turnaround times, and adjusting your
workload to assure solid performance in the time you’ve committed to working.
You can schedule time off, though not always as much of it or when you would like to have it because of those ancillary duties and the nature of work being its own and not wholly in your control. Preparation is the key. Letting your clients know ahead of time that you’ll be out and when so that they can prepare for that absence as well.
It’s the unscheduled absences that can be most tricky and cause the at-home worker the greatest challenges. Illness, an unexpected surgery, or something of that nature. While others are understanding about these things, it doesn’t get what they need from you to them. And their bottom line is that they need the work done.
If you’ve formed a strategic alliance with another at-home worker, you’ve got a great benefit in these situations. When you’re down, s/he takes up the slack and vice versa. The work gets done, the client’s happy and your business functions.
If not, you’ve got to make alternate arrangements. That might mean subcontracting a temp to assist you during the down time. Whether the temp is to help with the work, the house, or your obligations, often you can accomplish all you need to accomplish with assistance.
Being the boss carries perks and that can be tempting. So tempting that many forget that nothing is free, and when you carry the perks of total choice, you also bear the weight of total responsibility. You choose what to do, when and how to do it, with or for whom to do what you do.
If you’re right, great. Business is good and all is right in your world.
If you’re wrong, that’s not so great, and you have one person to blame for mistakes and to rely on to get your business out of trouble and back on an even keel: yourself.
You’ll have ups and downs in any business and of course you’ll make mistakes. The key is to try hard to not make the same mistake twice. Integrity and ethics are still precious resources. If you goof, say so and do all you can to repair any damage. That forthright honesty carries you and your business a long way.
At times, you’ll ask yourself, What was I thinking?
At others, you’ll pat yourself on the back and be grateful you took that leap of faith and went to work for you.
Working at home isn’t right for everyone just as working outside the home isn’t right for everyone. Before you jump in with both feet, think long and hard about the business–do your homework and know what you’re getting into–but also invest your assessment time in looking at yourself. At your situation, your family, your specific circumstances. We’ve seen the value of planning and organization and flexibility. So be realistic about your personality and your work ethics, your attitude toward work and your vision of success.
Only then can you determine if in your specific case, working at home will be good, bad or ugly. In truth, it’s always going to be a bit of all three, but before you decide it is or isn’t for you, the majority of the time should be in a positive, constructive atmosphere where you can be content in your work and take joy in your work and in your life.
Blessings,
Diva Vicki
c2008, Vicki Hinze
www.vickihinze.com
Did you ever go into a garden to enjoy the riot of colors, blooms and fragrances? Have you stopped to admire the perennials, the flowers that are always there, year after year–the flawless red rose, the clear blue iris, the complicated perfection of a carnation? Then, hidden beneath all the flowers that have earned their place in the sun through age and growth, a flash of color catches your eye. Carefully, you move aside the green leaves of all the seasoned plants and there, almost out of view, is a tiny treasure–a tiny, bright yellow marigold.
While small and seemingly insignificant and having to be nurtured each spring, the marigold brings its own benefits to the garden by keeping away the harmful insects that eat the beautiful petals of its established companions. Unfortunately, because it’s beauty is often hidden behind its dominant companions, it’s often lost in the profusion of the very plants it nurtures and protects and more often than not, it’s taken for granted.
Do you allow the marigolds in your life to get lost in the crowd of perennials. They can be the true treasures of your day-to-day existence. Because their blossoms aren’t the same color as yours or they aren’t quite as showy as the others doesn’t mean they don’t have beneficial knowledge to impart, even to the perennials who often take center stage.
All of us, like the flowers, have our special assets, our special expertise to bring to every life we touch. Each of us has a place that we can excel. Because a person isn’t the same as you or because they aren’t as comely as the other people in our lives doesn’t mean they don’t have a special something to contribute to the rest. What a shame it would be not to take advantage of such treasures.
Look around you. Do you see the marigolds? Are they being recognized for their special talents? Or are they still hiding, just there? Yes, right there, in the shadow of the sturdier stems of the stronger or beneath the colorful petals of the more attractive or being silenced by unfounded prejudice.
And all you marigolds, don’t be afraid to step into the sun and show your colors. To grow, we all must keep learning and understanding. We need your help and your special talents to do that or we will soon become the weed that is wrench from the flower bed. Share your wisdom and help keep those nasty insects called indifference and prejudice away. Gardens tended with love will flourish.
Blessings,
Diva Elizabeth
Writers connect characters to readers through emotions. That makes it vital to understand them. Otherwise, the odds diminish of depicting them accurately or of having the reader react to whatever is depicted the way the writer intends they react.
We live in an age of rage. Where people once reacted with restraint, today they are far more apt to cut loose and let the fur fly–often with little or no provocation. There was a time not too long ago, when terms like “road rage” weren’t part of our vocabulary. Where watching a group of teenage girls beat up another teenage girl wasn’t broadcast and considered entertainment.
There’s a lot of angry people out there, and yet if we limit anger to only the negative, then we’ve missed the best half of its value. Because like most things in life, anger can be positive or negative.
First we need to make to sure we see anger clearly.
Anger isn’t an action. It is a reaction. The effect of an underlying cause.
That cause can be someone doing something that hurts you–intentionally or unintentionally, professionally or personally. Something that appalls you, something that scares you. (Note that all three are emotions, writers.) Let’s look at a couple of examples:
If someone makes a false accusation against you, odds are pretty good your reaction will be anger.
If you pull a week of overtime on a project for the boss and the coworker supposedly helping you did nothing but takes full credit for all your work, odds are pretty good your reaction will be anger.
If your daughter wears your favorite jacket without your permission and wrecks it or loses it, odds are pretty good your reaction will be anger.
If you write a chapter and haven’t saved it and the power goes out and it’s lost forever, odds are very good your reaction will be anger.
If someone steals your car, your wallet, or your name for the purpose of damaging your reputation, you can bet your reaction will be anger.
Personally and/or professionally, we react with anger to injustice. To things we consider universally just plain wrong.
But we also at times react with anger when no malice or intent to harm is intended. In fact, we sometimes react in anger when we’re not even directly involved.
You instruct your child not to do something. The child does it anyway. You’re not harmed, but you are angry.
Someone you care about gets sick. You yell at the doctor–outraged from the tip of your head to the soles of your feet.
Why?
Because other emotions are fueling the fire. Often that other emotion is fear.
You fear the sick person will die. You rage against the fear of death, but death isn’t someone you can shout out, so you pick a victim present: the doctor, or nurse or ambulance attendant–anyone will do.
People typically look for someone to blame. It makes them feel more insecure, like they’re more in control. They look for someone upon whom they can focus their fear which manifests in the form of anger. They might even choose the individual who is sick!
Fear, frustration, insecurity. Injustice, an inability to manipulate, a loss of control, a failure to achieve a desired outcome–all of these emotion-based reasons, and others like them, can manifest as anger. But remember, anger is the reaction, not the action. It’s the effect, not the cause. The primary core emotion fueling the reaction is the catalyst.
Anger, you see, isn’t an innate reaction. It’s a learned response. A simple example:
When a child hits himself with a hammer, he cries.
When an adult hits himself with a hammer, he cusses.
One reacts to pain with tears.
The other reacts with anger.
The primary causes and effects discussed thus far are largely negative. But anger has a whole different side. A valuable side, and our characters should react to it just as people do. On this side of the proverbial scales, anger is constructive.
It acts as a catalyst to motivate us to do constructive things (versus destructive ones) we wouldn’t have done or couldn’t have done without that motivation. An example:
A doctor lost his father early in life to a heart attack. The son was furious. Now he could have let that anger eat him alive, or even destroy him. He could have grown so bitter that it poisoned him and stole his destiny. But he didn’t. Instead he channeled his anger constructively–and went on to create the first artificial heart.
Anger can motivate us to stretch and grow. It can inspire us to change, to do better and more than believed we were capable of doing. Anger can infuse us with determination, give us the courage to try things we never dreamed of trying–and to keep on trying until we achieve them.
Anger can impact us in ways that change the course of our entire lives–define our life’s purpose.
When we think of anger, we often think of abuse and only its negatives. We neglect to remember the good that can come from it (the anger, not the abuse). Anger isn’t so much about the emotion, though we should understand the ramifications of that, too.
Anger channeled improperly causes stress. Stress kills. It’s that simple. But before it kills, it makes us sick. Headaches, digestive challenges, spastic colon problems and so many more physical challenges manifest as a result of anger (and other negative emotions) not being processed in a positive way.
Anger channeled properly inspires and infuses us with abilities we had but didn’t know we had. Inspires us to gain new skills, new abilities that serve us in all areas of our lives because they broaden our experience and give us deeper wells to draw from in doing things we want to do. Things we’re meant to do.
So, yes, we live in an age of rage. And, yes, many factors contribute to it. What we need to remember is that rage is a reaction–neither a cause nor an action. We all know that every action causes a reaction. Every cause has an effect. And we know that regardless of what that cause and action are, we control our reactions and effects. We choose our response.
We all get angry. We all have hot buttons that someone’s going to push. We know that.
What we need to decide is how we’re going to react to having our hot-buttons pushed. We can react negatively–whether it’s firing off a nasty email filled with half-truths or taking a swing at the person offending us–or constructively–whether it’s holding our tongues and promising ourselves we won’t treat others unfairly or we’ll use that anger to build a better mousetrap.
I study a fair amount on abuse; you guys know that. I have for over thirty years. One thing that abusers often say to their victims is, “You made me hurt you.” That or they tell others, “S/he made me do it.”
Definitely improperly channeled anger there. The abuser got angry. S/he chose to hurt, to do it, and we’re all too familiar with the horrific forms “it” can take.
So when you’re writing characters, and in living your own life, understand that anger is normal. Even the most disciplined and most holy get angry. God got angry, and He’s got supernatural powers. We’re mere mortals. So it isn’t that we should fight to not feel the emotion, anger. It’s that we should exercise self-control and channel that anger constructively.
Constructive channeling. Now that’s a valuable weapon when living in an age of rage…
Blessings,
Diva Vicki
c2008, Vicki Hinze
Most normal, well adjusted women want peace and serenity in their lives. They want to focus on the constructive, the positive and apply considerable effort to avoiding conflict and challenges. They certainly don’t go out and instigate or deliberately provoke. They’re too busy–and too wise–to waste precious time in their lives on these pursuits. They’re too busy reaching for goals, working to make their dreams realitities. Too busy caring for their families, doing what they do best.
And yet it seems every woman has had a run-in at some point in their lives with a drama queen.
What is a drama queen? A woman who thrives on drama. So much so, it’s like a drug in her system. And if no drama exists, she’ll create it. Typically bright and resourceful, she can be very convincing, too.
In preparation for this article, I canvassed a group of women. All had encountered a drama queen. The lucky ones extricated themselves from her. The unlucky ones were stuck but did what they could do to create distance and not feed the beast, so to speak. (It’s worth mentioning that some of the drama queens were actually drama kings, but for the sake of simplicity and because we focus on women and their interests here, we’ll stick with the queens.)
In research, I discovered no magic cures, no keys to locked doors to stop the drama. The simple truth is the drama queen is a drama queen by her own choice, and only she can choose not to be one. But for those who must live with or in the circle of one, there are a few helpful tips that others had to offer:
1. Understand the queen. The drama queen typically suffers a low self-esteem. She wants to be honored, appreciated and adored. If she is, she doesn’t feel as much a need to create drama. It’s when she feels vulnerable (whether or not that vulnerability actually exists) that she goes for the dramatic.
Too often, she’s bored. And when bored, she thinks too much and those thoughts easily fall prey to the negative. This too spurs drama, to shift the focus from her thoughts to the dramatic event which typically shows her in a superior light.
Often she portrays herself as a victim. Others are taking advantage, judging unfairly, treating her harshly. More often than not, it isn’t one person but all persons who are victimizing her: her boss, her friends, her family, even her minister. Disagree on something with the queen, and you’re apt to hear her shout abuse.
The queen sups on attention and in the absence of adoration, she’ll take anger or hatred or whatever she can get. Bottom line: she’s an attention junkie and only when getting it does she thrive.
She easily feels threatened. One story related involved three women, all friends. The queen imagined a sleight by the other two and turned vicious. There was no sleight. But the queen perceived one–as if they were ganging up on her–and got ugly. Unfortunately, this is a story frequently repeated–whether the drama queen was a queen or a king. And of the stories related, the queens were quicker to get cruel and malicious than the kings. That surprised me.
Most people take the drama that comes with the queen for a time, then exorcise her, forming other friendships and bonds with people who aren’t so high-maintenance or draining. The queen then moves on to her next friend or group and repeats her patterns, and then often is left wondering why people treat her as they do. This brings me to my last point unearthed on the drama queen:
She never sees herself as others see her. To her, what she is doing, the way she’s doing it, the justification for doing it–even if it’s dead wrong–is totally logical, morally and ethically acceptable and even, in cases, noble.
Understanding the queen doesn’t insulate you from the fallout, but it does help you to develop coping skills and to keep your frustration levels (and blood pressure and stress levels) down.
2. Dealing with the queen. As I mentioned above, once a drama queen has been identified and an attempt to reason with her utterly fails, most who can elect to stay away from her. Sometimes this works, sometimes it generates other activities. One woman relayed her story of life with a drama queen and then said that until she had gotten away from her, she hadn’t realized all the challenges the queen had created. Finally, she had her life back.
It’s interesting to note that during the time of the challenges, she didn’t equate them to stealing her life. Her time, yes, but not her life. But they did, as she saw afterward. Dealing with the fallout another creates does steal our lives. Our focus and time. And so it was only afterward that this became apparent to the woman. I find that interesting.
Some of the stories related required that the drama queen remain in that individual’s circle. How the women dealt with their queens varied. Some ignored, some called the queen down on every infraction hoping she’d stop if she knew she’d be called down. Some kept a buffer between them them and the queen–a third person who helped keep the queen from creating too much havoc.
The most troublesome were those who stopped interacting with their circle because that was their only means of avoiding the queen. Some quit great jobs. Some left their churches. Some left their organizations. Some stopping attending family gatherings.
All had logical reasons for their reactions whatever they happened to be. For some, their own decisions were easy to live with. For others, the burden of living with them was heavy.
Regardless of where they fell on the living with a drama queen scale or how they chose to deal with the queen, on one thing they all agreed:
Living with a drama queen might be tough, but it’s still far easier than living as a drama queen.
Sometimes in life, we’re grateful for good where we find it…*
Diva Vicki
WHAT IT IS
WHAT IS DONE
ARE YOU A VICTIM?
WHAT YOU CAN DO
WHO CAN HELP
(FMI Visit: Cyberstalking )
At one time cyberstalkers–those who stalk someone via the Internet–was easy for a criminal to do and difficult for a victim to charge, prosecute and convict.
The advent of the Internet caused explosive changes in daily life and put lawmakers into a tailspin on what changes to make first. Immediate need became the byword of the day, and lawmaker’s actions followed suit.
But that time has passed, and today there are significant laws and legislation protecting victims–and more pending.
WHAT DO CYBERSTALKERS DO?
Many track or monitor a person. Groups and organizations, too, can become targets. A cyberstalker might make false accusations against the victim, might gather information and use it illegally (identity theft, solicitation, subscribing a victim to numerous spam lists, pornographic websites, or levy threats.) The purpose is typically to harass the victim and/or to damage his/her reputation.
Often the repeated behavior persists to the point that the stalker is directed (directly or through a third party, who may or may not be an authority) to cease and desist. Depending on the mental health of the stalker, and the depth of his/her obsession, the stalker either chooses to stop stalking or continues.
Of those who continue, many use an associate and/or friend, who might or might not be aware of the harassment and/or the warnings to the stalker to cease and desist and to leave the victim alone. In a real sense, they too become victims.
With cyberstalkers, the stalking isn’t normally a matter of any one action. In fact, singular actions might be legal ones. But the continuous pounding of action upon action upon action collectively completes a larger picture of the depth of a mental assault on the victim.
WHO IS A STALKER?
Some stalkers are strangers. Others know their victim.
Generally those who know their victim have no current relationship with the victim. Either they never did, or it ceased to exist some time ago, and the choice to sever well might have been the stalker’s decision.
Stalkers are notorious for making false accusations. For claiming they are the victim. For encouraging others to harass and/or make disparaging comments to or about the victim based on false information fed to them by the stalker.
Some take stalking even further, into attacks on data, infringing on copyrights, posting material in public forums under the victim’s name, claiming the victim’s identity. Even reprinting the victim’s material without express permission to do so. Some violate personal email by uploading it into a public forum without the author’s consent.
Still other stalkers cross over into deeper identity theft by placing orders in the victim’s name or participating in objectionable activities while impersonating the victim.
Understand that the cyberstalker is obsessed. What might have started as curiosity escalates to obsession.
WHAT IS THE CYBERSTALKER’S GOAL?
The stalker’s goal is to initiate contact where none exists.
I’m reminded of the child. To get attention, a child will attempt to gain attention through constructive means. But if that doesn’t work, the child will adopt destructive means. The end goal is attention. How it is obtained is insignificant to the stalker. A crucial difference worthy of note is that a cyberstalker might or might not be immature but s/he is not a child and his/her actions are far more destructive. (To the victim, but also to him/herself.)
CAN A CYBERSTALKER GET PHYSICAL?
Yes. It’s documented in the form of abusive phone calls, snail mail, packages left at residences by stalkers told to stay away (a mental home invasion). Reports have been made of vandalism, trespassing and even physical assault. Some say the deeper the stalker’s frustration at not being in control of the victim/situation or at having his/her attempts to contact thwarted, the greater the odds that frustration will escalate into more severe attacks.
IS THERE LEGAL RECOURSE?
Yes. Lawmakers have made strides to protect victims. Not surprisingly, California first put laws into effect in 1999. The State of Florida followed in placing a ban on cyberstalking in 2003. Many other states have followed. (So have many countries. Visit the notes section on the above link for more specifics.) That’s legislation on a state level. On a federal level, the lawmaker’s are still catching up, but they did address cyberstalking by incorporating it into stalking statues addressed in legislation passed in 2000.(1) So victims are not without protection.
DOES THE VICTIM ALWAYS KNOW S/HE IS A VICTIM OF CYBERSTALKING?
No. The victim well might not know s/he is being stalked. At least, not until the stalker’s obsession escalates. In some situations, however, the victim might know it from the start. Or s/he might know it but not identify the behavior as stalking until the stalker’s actions escalate to an obvious point.
Often, particularly in the case of sex offenders and/or those with malicious tendencies toward minors, the victim is not aware that they’re a victim until they are in significant danger from the stalker, which makes it imperative that parents and authority figures in minor’s lives educate them to the risks and warning signs. Armed with information and alerted to the warning signs, the kids then have a better chance to protect themselves and they know to alert parents and/or authority figures to potential dangers so that they might take steps to protect the children before they become victims.
WHAT IF YOU HAVE A PUBLIC PERSONAE?
If you have a public personae, it’s all the more important to be aware–or to get aware, and stay aware.
To get a complete listing of what you can do to protect yourself and your interests, visit your state’s website and/or contact local law enforcement.
Remember that cyberstalking isn’t typically a single event but a repetition of events that collectively constitute criminal activity. It isn’t a matter of threats being levied. Monitoring you is sufficient violation.
PUBLIC PERSONAE TIPS:
For a listing of things you can do to protect yourself and your interests, click here.
If you incorporate those tips, do what you can to avoid contact with the cyberstalker, then you’re taking reasonable measures to protect yourself and your interests.
If those reasonable measures do not work and the stalker persists, then you’ve got indisputable proof of actions in your records: Preventative actions you’ve taken, and hostile actions the stalker has taken.
The authorities then have what they need to do their jobs–and you can go back to living your life.
Most importantly, be aware. The Internet is a wonderful tool, but it can be used as a weapon.
Don’t willingly become a victim.*
_________________________
(1) See the FMI [for more information] URL above for more information/resources on domestic and foreign information on cyberstalking. Be sure to check the notes section for in-depth references.
©2008, Vicki Hinze
I’m asked that question often, and my response is always that the first thing to look for is within. It is how you view the relationship.
Many will say your editor isn’t your friend. My experience says I’ve been friends with every editor with whom I’ve worked. I’ve been closer with some than with others, but friendships have formed.
Many will say your agent isn’t your friend. My experience says I’ve been friends with every agent with whom I’ve worked. Closer with some than with others, but friendships have formed.
A lot depends on both people involved, and a lot depends on the nature of the work.
In writing, we create something from nothing. If our partner shares our vision, we’re more apt to be closer. Because sharing that vision requires a meeting of the minds. This is, in my humble opinion, the number one reason to form this partnership–because you do share a vision and you believe, and the potential partner believes, that together you can make it manifest–and do so in a way that is above and beyond what either of you could do alone.
So the marriage partnership has a lot in common with marriage. You look for specific things in a professional partner just as you do in a life partner.
What are those things?
That varies person to person. But a rule of thumb on the top three in my book are:
1. Vision. You share a common vision on the work. The purpose, the reach, the projected result. You share a vision on strategy, on abilities (both individuals), on capabilities. You know what you wish to accomplish and agree on a realistic plan to accomplish it–and you agree that those goals are attainable. Together, you develop a joint vision that is compatible with personal goals, ambitions and desires. This, I believe, is singularly the most crucial of all considerations because it is the foundation upon which everything else is built.
2.You respect each other. Without respect for the other’s opinions, ideas, abilities and skills, no partnership can survive much less grow into something magnificent. If doubt or investment in the partnership exists, it undermines focus. Mutual effort is splintered and precious time and energy that could be used building momentum is wasted on worry about the absence of being totally in sync and/or focused on the goals. Respect granted and accepted means questions are asked and answered without upset. And you often extend faith in your partner and need their faith in you.
An example. I was writing a book that fell outside what was normal for me at the time. I had the utmost respect for my partner–in this case, my editor–who had expressed faith in me by agreeing to support me, tackling this project. It was an act of faith. A one-page overview–thumbnail sketch, really–was all she had to make this call. And she did.
I didn’t want to disappoint her. I wanted her to love that book as much as I did. And because she had taken that leap of faith, I wrote and doubted and wrote and doubted.
Three times during the writing, I phoned her and said, this isn’t going as planned. I love it but it’s different. Do you want to see it now? And three times she said “Quit worrying and just write the book. If you love it, I know it’ll work.”
So I worried and wrote the rest, but I did it knowing she had faith in the creator in me. That was an asset money can’t buy. I stretched the boundaries on that book in several ways, and I sent it in–and admittedly prayed she wouldn’t be disappointed, she’d love it as much as I did, and I kept sweaty palms until she read it. Thank God, she was fast. Less than two weeks later, she called all excited. She didn’t like the book, she LOVED the book.
Would I have dared to push those boundaries as far without that faith? I doubt it. That’s the value of the expression of mutual respect. (And the book did well, and won numerous awards, including a gold medal. So it did exactly what we’d hoped it would do. Whew!)
3.You communicate honestly and openly. Crucial to all relationships, but this absence in professional relationships can be destructive in ways that exceed the work and intrude on a broader scale. I’m not suggesting you raise hell or become an obnoxious diva, or that you tolerate that type misconduct from anyone else. I am saying there’s merit in frank discussion. Asbestos suits should never be required. Rhino hide might help. :) If you keep in mind that in your professional relationships both of you are after the same thing, then the odds of yours being reduced to an adversarial relationship are far less likely. There are enough challenges without deliberately creating them. Open your mind and heart and hear and listen, knowing your goals and vision are mutual goals and your joint vision.
As I sit here, I think of more and more tips from the trenches on professional relationships. But with each of them, as I break them down and really look at them, they’re all covered in one of the above three things.
To have a good partner–and the author/agent or author/editor relationship is a partnership–you must be a good partner. That’s the bottom line. It’s not complex, it’s not difficult. Just seek a person with whom you share a vision, respect them, and keep the lines of communication open and honest.
Blessings,
Vicki
Vicki Hinze
www.vickihinze.com
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